Oblivion

This rock has been beaten to achieve beauty, they say beauty from pain.

Dud:

A device, person, or enterprise that proves to be a failure.

What then? Strive?

Fruitless agony proves to be a personal attribute.

Accepted as I am, is truth.

But what good is a plant that never blooms, its sad and weak appendages seek, and seem to be ever short of finding.

The fight snuffed.

The ache ever present, never ceasing, envelopes.

Desire stripped.

Mind races, but to no solution.

To be alone...the sweet surrender, and prison, all in one.

Smiles stand proud to mask the burning void. This muscle becoming more and more uncomfortably weak despite grand effort.

Wrap around me.

Outlet

I speak in riddles so no harm may come to you.

Cryptic and fluent, my words, they flow straight from my soul.

Wounded only by neglect and exhaustion.

Don't you realize that the worst thing you did was nothing?

The worst thing you could say, is nothing.

I am no one's silent door mat. I am worth far more than that.

How I long for you to see.

There truly is so much to me.

)No time, no desire, im content. Be close so I know I have you. But please be silent. Be lifeless....

Sometimes I look for you...

Sometimes I look for you.

Where are you?

I know that you exist, my heart and soul bear your name.

My needs are the proof of you, they speak of your destiny to fill them.

And yet these needs that so desperately need to be met, the ache, is inescapable.

Agony envelopes my soul.

For knowing your existence, is bitter. Where are you?

Why am I here, unavoidably exiled to endure a unity of exasperating simplicity and surface level depth?

The needs and desires within me, I know to be warranted and valid, cannot cease their cries.

Deep within my soul there is a need for depth and concern, intrigue, and questions of genuine origin.

Why would my sanctified union not be the exact place to have my thirst for this depth slated?

Where are the quenching waters to hydrate my heart and soul?

If it is not in my union where else must I turn?

Perhaps the answer is within the question:

Where are you?

My conclusion is that the deepest needs and desires, the essential soul-feeding nutrients I seek, will simply never be quenched this side of the heavens.

Simply a burden of such passion is too massive to bear, this need of depth to be filled, is a not an honor for any of the earth. For the one who can quench, is jealous, and wants to be sought after for the honor of fulfilling these needs.

How I long for you.

My wish is for you to know this depth...

Sometimes I wish, that I had a choice in the matter when it was decided for me who I had to deal with on a regular basis.

Some people will just never mesh well.... I know this now. I mean you always stay positive, because its better than hopelessness, but reality is its just never going to be a pretty little package of perfection. Please stop trying to make it such.

I wish you would just accept the same, it would make it Oh so much easier for the whole situation.

Because your relentless dreams of a gorgeous exterior, but absolutely no intention to improve the lack-luster and cold interior is sheer agony to me.

This is why it feels like oil and water.

Because I cannot make myself fake and shallow for simply the sake of your comfort.

And in all truthfulness me faking a surface level interaction that you seem to crave so badly, is not at all what you need.

You crave the real deal.

You crave a deep, healthy, close and realistic relationship with us.

And you cannot obtain that unless you give it.

I cannot mask my convictions and my passion, God has instilled these qualities in me for a specific purpose.

So you simply cannot be angry with me because I always try to stick to the genuine, raw, realistic, and sometimes messy, deep human relationship and interactions.

This is the way God wired me, and He did so for His will.

I do all I can to stay optimistic and understanding of your upbringing that seems to be where these dysfunctional thoughts and tendencies arise, but I am human and some days I am to weak and worn out to be as patient with you as other days.

I pray for you to see what amazing attributes God would instill into your mind and your life if you would simply ask for them and embrace them despite the faulty thinking you may have grown up with, it really is never too late to teach an old dog new tricks...

My hunt for peace

I want to wander today....

I want to get out, clear my head, pray in solace, seek deeply, and feel renewed.

Maybe I should put this on my "to do" list.

I plan to get in my car, drive to the closest mountain I see, wander, either mentally or physically, and find myself. How I miss me so. I know I left my self lying around here somewhere, if only I knew where...

So I will seek, truly seek, and hopefully be found.

I know it is simply a matter of seeking and I shall find, I just feel like I've tried it so many times, maybe today will be the day.

Wish me luck...